Monday, December 16, 2013

HEY you!! YEAH you! Self righteous bitch!

First Go here! Read this!

Omg.. When my kids were babies I struggled with Breast feeding.. With my oldest,1,  my milk was leaking out at 5 months pregnant. I seriously was cutting maxi pads in half to soak that shit up.. most of the time I ended up with a wet shirt but it lasted longer! Anyway, the night she was born after a horrifying C-section and near death experience, my milk "came in" with a vengeance.... My breasts swelled up like watermelons about to burst...OMG PAIN. And I was already on narcotics!  Anyway the nurses got really really hot cloths put them on my chest until the flood of milk, and I started breast feeding... while on narcotics... as you can imagine this did not work out well.. She would fall asleep 5 minutes in, I assume from the mouthful of PERCODIN she was ingesting!! (Oh! And I found out later, the nurses were giving her “supplemental” formula in the nursery!! No wonder she wouldn’t eat!)  But I kept trying, and the Le LEACHE psychos kept bugging me.. I mean I don’t know about you, but the way I was raised you do NOT let a stranger grab your bare breast and squeeze the fuck out of it… STRANGER DANGER!!!!  So after a leisurely 9 days in the hospital I was sent home, 20 yrs old with a newborn and huge breasts with which to feed her…and narcotics.. Thank God for my mom! So 2 nights later, my boobs have once again swelled up and are hard as rocks, I can’t get the baby to eat.. my mom is out.. and I start to hallucinate… Breast Fever… ? .. Had no idea THAT could happen!! My temp when my mom got back an hour or so later was 105… IDK what happened but she fixed it.. and I gave up on breast feeding about 2 weeks later.. back then “88 you just went to your Dr and they gave you a shot to dry up your milk.. But those Stalking Le Leache psychos continued to call me sometimes twice a day to get me to “reconsider”!! I finally got them to stop calling when I told them I was going to call the cops for their harassing me.. I mean seriously I was already freaking out, had post partum depression.. “baby blues” we called it, the last thing I needed was these people making me feel like the worst mother alive for stopping breast feeding!

After the second kid, 2,  4 years later I was a little more prepared. Shut the Le Leache bitches down the first day, ended up breast feeding for 5 almost 6 months.. till the driving need for alcohol was answered!! Honestly? I did feel a bit superior to all of those Formula feeders! I was sucked into the hype.. I was a better mother because I was breast feeding!! HA! Looking down my nose at them, I tripped over my own foolish feet and realized that no matter how I did it, I was the only thing my kids knew and no matter how I fed them, I was doing it right. Well, unless you count that time I put the Pepsi in 2’s bottle cus she would leave me alone… Hey I was at the good part of the book!
My final child,3, was a shock. I was expecting to be able to do this again, hands tied behind my back No Problem… LOL.. Did you know that  boys are different than girls in EVERY way????? Thank you  S-I-L JA who answered my every panicked call no matter how late… Breast feeding lasted 3 weeks… And I did not give a rats ass who thought it sucked.. I NEEDED BEER! And to not have a kid hanging off of me every waking moment….
No matter if you Breast Feed or do not IT IS YOUR BOOB!! Tell the busybody’s who think they know it all to FUCK OFF or better yet hand your screaming kid to them and say “if you know so much YOU DO IT!!”, ok that one should probably be reserved to people you actually know… omg if a stranger said something about my breast feeding or lack thereof,  I would have punched them!  
Turns out I got Breast Cancer anyway so THAT myth is debunked!
 And to the blog that caused this blog…THANK YOU!!!   


Monday, September 23, 2013

And again.

So why is it that with all of the abilities and resources we have, we fail as a society to protect them?  “In some ways I think the American Dream is a problem – there is an idealization by many Americans of how ‘great’ the country is – this then makes it challenging to raise some of the not so great realities into public focus. Maybe we should talk less about being great, the land of the free, etc., and more about tackling some of the serious issues that plague children’s/people’s lives?”- Patrick Tomlinson

Another friend has taken her life and I'm not sure that I can get through this in any kind of respectable manner.  I want to scream and yell and blame everyone and her. Everyone because we didn't see the lie in her eyes when she said she was feeling better and we would all get together "soon".  And at her because she let the darkness take her. 
I miss her so much, I wish she had called out to anyone when it got so bad. she knew. she had already planned it to the final detail. My heart hurts.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Don't ever forget, they could be gone in a moment.

I lost a very good friend yesterday.
 I can’t stop thinking about how senseless this all is. He knew he could get treatment, but he wasn't willing to give up any part of his life to be sick.
 I admire that, but I miss him just the same.
 He had the balls to grab life by the short hairs and run with it. He had a great 2 years, and did just like he told me he would; he “lived until he died”. 
 I will always remember our jokes and how he always told me the way it was. He didn't sugar coat anything for me, if he thought I was wrong he told me so, and he also told me why.
 And he always, always, had my back.

RIP my friend, I hope we meet again.  I love you!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Good news for me, a new baby in the family! Bad news for my friend she lost her companion of 17 yrs to this fucking bullshit called cancer... Is this a checks and balances example? Cuz if it is? FUCK YOU! I want off this damn ride!

It spins and spins and I just want the world to stop for a minute, long enough to catch my breath.

Saturday, July 6, 2013


Oh fuck this! My joints hurt, my feet are on fire, I have forgotten what its like to pick something up and not promptly drop it, my brain is in a fog, sleep is not coming.  I'm exhausted and every time I close my eye all I can think about is the stupid weird zappy pains I get and WHAT DO THEY MEAN??? I just saw the Onc she seems to thing all is fine but I still worry constantly. If the cancer doesn't come back I'm sure one of these bastard ass drugs are going to kill me.  Switched to Lyrica for the neuropathy and its making me fat. Experimenting with Aderall to see if it will help with the Chemobrain. I'm seriously tired of trying to remember which drug to take when and seriously? is this helping me??? Ugh. I just want to be a little bit like I used to be but I guess I have to face it, my body thinks I'm 90 and I really just want to take a walk, straight up, not bent halfway over and no limping! Ha!!

Monday, June 24, 2013

I haven't been posting because:
A. I'm inherently lazy.
B. I'm busy and lazy too.
C. Its hard to type with this stupid cast in my right arm.
D. Even though I have the cast,  I think I might have actually been in a good mood for the last few weeks!
E. New pharms for my neuropathy keep knocking me the fuck out.

So I found this new blog that I am absolutely in love with:  The Sarcastic Boob Blog
Go there! Read it! Like it! Face Book it! LOVE IT!!

And so I stole this from it, So fucking true!


Monday, May 6, 2013

Really bad horrifying language (mine) .. vent


Disclaimer: Really bad horrifying language.. vent


Its bad.

I’m not losing my mind, really, I’m not, that’s been gone for a long time!  Seriously, I just feel like screaming fuck you at my entire family. Not my kids, as much as they drive me insane, but the rest of them can all go straight to fucking hell. I am so damn angry right now. You fucking people are so goddamn perfect? HA! And FUCK YOU for not listening, FUCK YOU for not believing, And FUCK YOU for thinking you KNOW anything.

I was 5 fucking years old! Thank you all so damn much for opening your eyes, thanks for seeing the pain I was dealing with, THANKS SO MUCH for not realizing that something was wrong, that all of the things that happened were NOT my fault. I never asked for that, I didn’t even fucking know what he was doing! All I knew was that he told me to do it, HE told me I would be the one who got in trouble if I told, and He was so perfect and so wonderful he could never ever do anything wrong could he?  Oh no, that would only be me. I must be lying. Must have made it all up. Thanks for having my back there FAMILY.  I hope nothing like that ever happens to you or yours and you are not believed. I am so much better off without you people in my life, bunch of two faced backstabbing assholes.

I hope you all fuck off.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Back from vacation and NOT happy to be home. Want to be back in the sunshine and pool. I really didnt want to come back!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not always the way it is. Sometimes there are things we just have to learn over again

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Pink Ribbons STILL Suck Ass

I belong to a cancer site that I frequently post on and get replys or just someone placing a comment on my story. Here is one I got today that annoyed me . ( FYI, my name is NOT carol)


Carol, You are strong and one thing for sure you have rolled with the punches so far! As a survivor, I have been going threw the same things and even though I am now cancer free... I have not left this disease behind me. I choose to support and be there for my fellow fighters. really does suck that your job was the way they were towards you. I know, I had a great support team at my job, and worked threw some of my chemo. Its hard but when it is all said and done you have to do what you have to do. Cancer is something that you can beat and we all have to stick together during the good and the bad times. Help one another during the struggle. So please, dont hate Pink Ribbons... we have something beautiful that represents us... we dont have to like the disease but like the PINK support. Thanks for the add! God Bless!- AngelRibbons


Here is my reply to AngelRibbons:

Thanks for your reply. Honestly I have no problem with the color pink, I used to actually like it and I love to support fellow CA fighters, however I am against PINKWASHING and unfortunately that seems to be the way of the corporate world today.Thanks to Susan G Komen breast cancer will forever be dehumanized by the infamous "pink ribbon". So as much as I stand up for a cause, unless you are helping people that I can actually see, don’t ask me to contribute to  yet another nameless corporation that has jumped on the “Pink” bandwagon. If SK inc. had been working as hard as they have said over these last years with all of the donations, walks, products, etc CANCER WOULD BE CURED. And they would not be going after the little guys who use the pink ribbons,(using contribution money) they would rejoice in the support!  So for me pink ribbons represent a CEO making hundreds of thousands a year off the backs of breast cancer survivor fighters, and families, while I struggle to pay my mortgage, buy food and LIVE thru this nightmare. I hate the disease and I still think Pink Ribbons SUCK ASS!

Thanks for the blessings, back at ya.

Maybe y’all should read this:

Ya HAVE to love the BUTTER BELIEVER, the only thing that could top it? BACON BELIEVER!! LOL

Friday, March 8, 2013

Ugh, what a horrible night last night.Canceled my mamogram cuz of the crappy snow, then later SOL and I had a HUGE fight; I ended up crying myself to sleep. It was stupid and mostly my fault as I overreacted to something stupid, I’m miserable and in pain I wish I could somehow explain to him and everyone else how it actually feels to be in this much pain all of the time. My knees are awful, the swelling has mostly gone away but I still I can’t sit comfortably, it is so horrid to get up after I’ve been sitting, I can’t stand, walk up or down the stairs or even lay down without A LOT of pain meds. It seems like every day it’s a new pain and I feel like a hypochondriac, I know SOL thinks I’m turning into my sister…

The band played Thursday and Saturday night and I powered thru but MY GOD it hurt! Ever sense we played 2/16 my knees have been swelled beyond belief. I was hoping that the beer would make it go away and am quite sure that I drank top many, especially since I was taking Vicodin along with it… amazing that my liver is still functioning.

I know that I shouldn’t be so damn reckless I know that there are people in worse shape than I am who would trade for my misery in a minute.. I am ungrateful sometimes for my second chance. I am quite sure it is the cancer drugs that are causing this, I have an appointment with an Orthopedic Doc next month but I beginning to wonder if I can wait any longer.. Maybe I need to see a rheumatologist instead… or just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.. sleep for a thousand years….. I’m such a whiney bitch lately, I don’t even want to be around me. I just need to suck it up.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


I have an appointment for a mammogram tomorrow. Worried, scared, not sleeping and I desperately need to. My whole body aches and I feel so despondent. . Sometimes I just want to give up. What is the point anymore?

 I’m so tired of Breast Cancer and pain.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013


I keep trying to remember this, but it’s hard. I’m angry and I have these moments of pure rage. How do I learn to put things “away”?

I have been trying to concentrate on my jewelry and my sleepless nights seem to be very productive. Productive and painful! Last night I finished one piece and started another, very happy with the results but today I am paying for it!! My hands are stiff and painful today along with my knees and feet. I’ve taken more Vicodan in the past 2 days than I have in the last month!

I do not know if the physical problems are side effects= I have increased pain in my hands and feet, numbness in my fingers, worsening peripheral neuropathy? Swelling in my knee, which makes them so hard to move and stand up from sitting had to have fluid drained out of my knee and now both are swelled, This has been going on for almost 2 weeks.. … I recently switched to Aromason from Tamoxifin (because of the side effects) so is it the stupid anticancer drugs or is this sudden onset arthritis?? Anyone else having this?? The company does not list this as any “known” side effect but that, as we all know, means nothing. Please help!!   

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Everyday a reminder.



"Living with the fear of breast cancer is having a whale move into your living room. One day, it just appears and is always in the way. Over time, the whale can get smaller, but it never quite goes away. Maybe, sometimes, it gets down to the size of a magazine rack and once in a while you bump into it. Sometimes, it swells up in your face again, like when you have a mammogram and they call you back for extra views."
True, everyday there is a reminder.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

WTF is wrong with me???

 I am an emotional bag of rage and sorrow.
    I’ve been sick all week with a sinus infection, I lost my voice after an 8 hour band practice Sunday and the doc told me Monday no using my voice for at least 48 hours, till the antibiotics kick in, which was yesterday, so we were suppose to have practice tonight ( Thursday ), We have a big show Saturday and instead of practice I got in a huge fight with the bass player, who by the way is a HUGE ASS SUCKING JACKWAGON, so I walked out, started walking home cuz my ride wasn’t answering the phone and now my feet are on fire my hands are numb & tingly and my head is all stuffed up again. AND there is a blizzard on the way.. cuz we are booked to play and no one will come cuz of the snow.. SO now I’m going to go back to my craft room and cry some more cuz I swear by all that is holy I have PMS and I haven’t had THOSE parts in 4 years!! Maybe its sympathetic baby blues? My daughter is pregnant overly emotional and maybe thats rubbing off... IDK all I know is I am a raging bag of emotions and the SOL is all freaked out cuz he thinks he did something, and I’m just not talkin cuz he didn’t do anything but I will most certainly take it out on him cuz he is closest! . Ugh. Sorry. Thanks for reading the vent.... Hope your night is better! Oh yeah, Happy Valentines Day! SOL got me roses and a sweet card! Poor guy.
    I am still doing the show on Saturday I just really wonder if it’s all going to be worth it in the end. I “embarrassed” my sister, and “I should be ashamed of myself”. So I guess we shall see how this goes.  
    What do you do when your dream is in your grasp but is swiftly being pulled out of your hands? We have worked so hard for so long. Damn.

Sunday, February 10, 2013


So, I have been busy busy busy! The band is taking off finally! we have dates booked and lots of practice, LOL we even have groupies!! The last show we did I had so many people coming up asking where we were playing again and promicing they would be there.  Crossin my fingers, this next weekend needs to have a big turn out!!

I've also been working a bunch on my new obsession, Steampunk. I dont know what the deal is but I just cant get enough of the little watch parts and tearing watches apart, weird I know but the jewelry so far has turned out really cool! Pic to follow!

Opened a new storefront as well :


and of course Etsy:

and Listia :

Come on in! Check it out! Buy stuff! I can custom create as well!

Cuz, well, I AM THE BOMB!! lol!

Huge Statement Necklace

                                                           Mid-size functioning Locket

Monday, January 28, 2013

And then he replied...

Kisha and I have had 4 years of complete happiness, and then we met. You know, a relationship requires commitment, but then again, so does insanity. Seriously though, Kisha is a good woman, she always forgives me when she’s wrong and rarely calls the police when I flash people in the park… OK, here’s what... really happened. One day Kisha and a co-worker were laughing at the losers on a dating site when her co-worker came across a picture and exclaimed “I dated that douchebag!” So as a cruel practical joke she fixed us up and told Kisha to take me out to see a country music band and even funnier, bring a friggin’ chaperone! Well, guess what, the joke is on you Tina, the joke is on you!! Because within minutes of meeting her I had already gotten her to 3rd base! Third Base Bar and Grill in La Porte that is…

Kidding aside… Today is our 4 year anniversary; we’ve had some really great times, and faced some tough challenges. Together we’ve partied until sunrise, stood on the Golden Gate Bridge, snuggled on the couch watching movies, and as an encore we even kicked cancer’s ass! Even though we drive each other crazy sometimes I know that together we can overcome anything and have a sense of humor about it. I wouldn’t trade the last 4 years for anything and I look forward to many more years of us growing together. I heard her sing on our first date, tonight I will hear her sing again, and how can you beat that?

Happy Anniversary Sweetie!! I Love You!!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Happy Annivarsary!!

Four years ago today, I went on a date with a sweet, funny guy who I thought was just a little too “nice”. I didn’t know much about him, other than my friend knew him and said he was a good guy.  He didn’t complain that night when I dragged him to a dive bar to listen to a country band, (He HATES country music!)  He didn’t complain and even seemed to have fun when I then dragged him to a hole-in-the-wall bar to meet my strange friends and sing Karaoke. Hours later, he kissed me goodnight next to my car in the freezing cold, all the while knowing my friends were watching us to make sure I was safe.  

I wasn’t sure I would go out with him again when I left that night, I didn’t know if either of us was going to take a chance and see if one date would turn into more.. It did.

This wonderful man stood by my side through Breast Cancer and never wavered. He was there both times they took me off to surgery, held my hand thru chemo and radiation, went to every doctor’s appointment, asked questions, took notes and researched every procedure. He explained things to my kids and family when I couldn’t; made sure that I had anything I wanted or needed for a year of treatments then again helped me when I had to have reconstructive surgery twice in 3 months on my hand. He supports me in everything I do or want to do.

He puts up with my family and the drama that comes with it, treats my children as if they are his own and has infinite patience.

 He understands me like no one ever has.

I know that I would have never gotten through the last two years without this wonderful man. I do not know how I got so lucky!

 Every day I thank whatever force brought us together and I don’t think I could love anyone more. If ever there was the perfect person for me, he is it, my heart, my soul, my world, my everything. I hope that we have many more happy years together!

Thank you my love for being everything I ever needed, and for that very first date, four years ago today..

 Happy Anniversary!!!  I love you!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Guess the quote!!! *Prize* to winner!

“We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”------ ???-------


This is a really great quote, I wish everyone followed, but you may be surprised to learn where it comes from.  You figure it out, or know it, put your answers in the comment section, winner gets a prize*!!





*(Prize is just the personal satisfaction of being a smarty pants!)




I bitch a lot. I bitch about stupid things and I bitch about important things, of course these are stupid and important  to me.

I’m sick of looking in the mirror and still doing a double take, I miss my long hair. This short curly chemo mop I have IS NOT ME.

I’m sick of the fucking hot flashes that soak my clothes and at night, my bed. And. It makes me really angry that I can’t do a damn thing about it. None of the “safe” alternatives have worked yet.

AND I have had all I can take of this foot thing. Peripheral neuropathy.  You can’t see it, it doesn’t leave any marks… it just feels like I have taken a slow stroll over hot coals while my feet are asleep. And first thing in the morning? ( If I have been able to sleep) My feet feel like they are going to split apart with every step. Last week I was walking out in the snow. BAREFOOT. Actually that probably wasn’t  the smartest thing I could have done but none-the-less it worked till the blue tinge went away…

Every time I do anything “fun” or that I enjoy, my feet have the need to remind me that they are there… burning, tingling. I wear my cute shoes? PAIN. Go shopping with my daughters? PAIN sit on the couch watching TV? PAIN.  I AM SICK OF IT!  

For fucks sake wasn’t it enough that I had to have half of my breast removed and ALL of my lymph nodes, did 52 chemo treatments, 35 radiation and have to take this stupid “anti-hormone” pill for the next 5 years( 10yrs if you read the new research) didn’t I give it my all? Didn’t I “fight like a girl” ? Arent I a “survivor”?? Its been a year DAMN IT!

 I have courage, hope, strength, and/or stupidity, someday I’ll figure that out but right now I just want to cut my feet off.

Vicodan here I come.  All I can do. Bitch out.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


It is amazing how angry I feel right now. I honestiy l am trying to forgive or at least make peace but my heart wont let me. I just have so much hate for that person... so much hate. Thanks for ruining such huge part of my life, and thanks for insuring that I will never be able to forget. BASTARD. Im sure the drug store thanks you to for the gd freaking ativan I have to take just to get thru this night like so many before.

I wish my mother had aborted you.I wish that asshole who left her alone and pregnant had stayed around to raise you and that you were not such a piece of shit. 
 I wish MY father had killed you. He would have if he had known, what you did to me.... if I had not been too afraid to tell.

 I could hurt YOU so much more. How would you like the whole of this town and the next to know what you are? To know what you did to me and God only knows to who else. Your daughters? We know you like little girls, dont you? And the gossip mongers LOVE to talk.... Bet that would cause some problems with your little business, and affect your family.