Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I feel like crap and I am really angry tonite. Not sleeping even though I took my nite meds... Ugh. Keep thinking about my ex best friend who fucked me over.
As soon as I was diagnosed and told her she was oh, SO upset, and then as my treatments progressed she was about as supportive as a doorknob. And had the nerve to tell me the last time I spoke to her that I didn't support HER. She has constantly and continuously forgotten every damn time in the last 40 years that I stood up for her, and drooped everything to help her or just be there with her, even at the expense of my kids and relationship. She goes thru men like she goes thru beer and uses people to get what she wants. I'm tired of feeling like I did something wrong.  And I don't know what to do about it. I get it, she cant handle being at the hospital, I turned her invites to the bar down more than I actually went. But when it counted, when I really needed her, she showed up ONCE. One fucking time. Forty years of friendship. Fuck you too.  

Any advice???? Tell me "Friend who SUX"story!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Sunday, December 16, 2012


I have been asking this question since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in Feb 11. WHERE IS ALL OF THE MONEY GOING??? If all of this "Research" money actually was going to collaborated research we should have a cure by now!


Buy the DVD
Take a Whiff of This
Consumer Reports ShopSmart(SM)
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We tested eight fragrances to check for phthalates. Five of them are top sellers from some of the largest perfume manufacturers, including Celine Dion Parfums Eau de Toilette Spray by Coty, Clinique Happy Perfume Spray, Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds Eau de Parfum, Estée Lauder Beautiful Eau de Parfum Spray, and Liz Claiborne Curve Eau de Toilette Spray. Here's what else we tested and our surprising findings:

* All the fragrances we tested contained at least these two phthalates: Di(2-ethylhexyl) phthalate (DEHP), which is banned in cosmetics in Europe, and diethyl phthalate (DEP), which is not banned and was present in much larger amounts. Our findings seem counter to a fragrance-industry survey that reported DEHP use is down to zero.

* Two products--Aubrey Organics Jade Spice Eau de Parfum and Aveda Love Pure-Fume Essence--went into the test group because the companies say they don't contain any phthalates. But we found DEP, DEHP, and diisodecyl phthalate (DIDP) in the Aubrey Organics product. Aveda's perfume contained DEP and DEHP.

* Estée Lauder says that DEP is the only phthalate used in any of its products, but we found DEHP along with DEP in Estée Lauder Beautiful and its Clinique Happy. (The company also owns Aveda.) A Liz Claiborne representative told us that none of its products contains DEHP, but we found that chemical--plus DEP--in Liz Claiborne Curve.

* We tested Christian Dior Poison Eau de Toilette Spray because in 2002, tests by the Environmental Working Group, Health Care Without Harm, and Women's Voices for the Earth found that it had four types of phthalates, more than any of the other 16 fragrances tested. The 2002 study found DEP, DEHP, dibutyl phthalate (DBP), and benzyl butlyl phthalate (BBP) but our tests showed only DEP and DEHP.

* We bought Happy, Poison, and Beautiful in both the U.S. and Europe, and found the E.U.-banned phthalate DEHP in all the samples.

* No fragrances mentioned phthalates on their labels. But by law, they can list the word "fragrance" without citing any of its components, including phthalates.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Survivor Reflection



   There are few things in life better than a child's hug, a lovers kiss and the sound of your family laughing.

Kisha Jorgenson Lazo ~Breast Cancer SURVIVOR

Friday, September 14, 2012

Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. (Here is my secret. It is very simple : it is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.)
                                                                                                                                The Little Prince

January 2007


Truth Hurts

Truth hurts. But it's got nothing on blind-sided abandonment.
The kind of departure that nobody ever saw coming and that no amount of time will ever make sense of -- much less, heal. Scars have their own way of becoming beautiful...they're just too darn honest for anybody's good. And you can never hide them or cover them up cause once they're created they've got a life of their own...their own destiny to chart -- like a long dead star that remains to light many a course.

Yeah, the truth hurts. And you never want to face it.
Never want to look in the mirror and validate the scars that were caused by actions that could have been prevented, could have been avoided, but at what cost? If you look close enough, was it really the cause or the effect? Was it the action or the reaction? Would you miss it? Do you hide the feelings that were so fresh, so painful, that left the deepest scars and the brightest memories?

Where do you hide them? The memories live on in the pain of the honesty, out there, waiting silently and screaming out loud........yeah I'd say the truth hurts.


Forgive?                                            From old blog Feb 2007

At church today ( yes, CHURCH) we had an interesting sermon about forgiveness, and how you need to forgive everyone you feel has done something to you, whatever it may be so that you will be set free from the past, and start healing.
I have a whole lot to say on this subject and a whole lot of forgiving and healing to do. I wonder if it really is true that if you start to forgive, let the pain go, if it improves your life. It would have to wouldn't it? I mean if you didn't have these "evil" thoughts or resentments built up in your heart, soul, whatever, if you let it go wouldn't you feel better? But how do you really let it go? Sure you can say " I forgive you" but does it ever really leave you?
I have a hard time believing that if I say I forgive someone for something that they have done, that sometime down the road it's not gonna come out and rear it's ugly head, kinda the way my boyfriend throws my past mistakes up in my face every time we have a fight. I want to feel free of these demons and if I doubt the out come will it then not work?
Maybe if you write it out as well as actually talk it out with the person it would be cathartic as well. Since there are probably people who you can't actually see and talk to writing about the perceived "crime" could be the best way to free that.
How many times in your life has there been someone who has done something, big or small that may need letting go? Are there things that can never be forgiven?
Forgive is a pretty big word when you think about it. It gives you the ability to hurt someone, and the ability to absolve someone, weather you mean it or not.
Can you forgive a murderer? What about someone who killed through thoughtlessness, like a drunk driver? Or someone who made such an impact in your life that you carry it each and every day of your life, something that damaged your psyche in a way that formed who you are today? How about the person that caused your nightmares ?
Then think about the people who just caused some minor hurt, they talked about you, told lies about you, did something mean to you in High school/grade school? What about the boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband who cheated on you? Do you then forgive the cheater or the person they cheated with? Or both?
To forgive someone, you have to live their paradigm, you have to put your self in their shoes and live it. Do you then discover that maybe you are the one who took much more malice from it then they actually intended, (excluding a murderer anyway).
Can we forgive the woman who was abused throughout her marriage, who turns the tables and kills her abuser? Do you think that the mother of the abuser would feel the same?What about a rapist? How about a child molester? I don't know if I can.
I wonder if I can forgive the people that have hurt me in my life.
My husband, my best friend, my half-sister, my ex-sister in law, the other son, the rapist. I just dont know if I can forgive, cause doesn't that mean letting go? Sometimes I wonder, if I let go of the anger, if there will be anything left of me?
Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not always the way it is. Sometimes there are things we just have to learn over again.

Actually Yesterday!

Today- hmmmm

Well the 100 mile round trips for 1/2 hour of hell are going to stop, well for now anyway. Dr Moreau is giving me a month break (after 40 visits!) to see if the injections from hell are going to have a lasting effect on the stupid neuropathy. We shall see, there has been some improvement since I started so maybe it will last! Fingers crossed, Vic's in my pocket!
OMG my daughters car finally died. Been expecting it, but damn! it would have been so much better even 1 week from now! Crapola.
Still trying to find homes for my kitties. I do not want to give them away but poor grandbabys allergies are not taking this well. I dont want to just hand them over to anyone, they have always been spoiled inside cats. Im at a loss.
Forgetting where I am; (20,00000,000) Forgetting where I was going; (490093930022) Forgetting what I was saying; (1220000) Forgetting WHO I am; (100000000000) damn chemo brain!


Not sleeping once again. Like a fool I took a nap after PT today, so now I’m awake at 3am. High but awake!

Feeling crappy about my weight. Everyone else I watch time after time in chemo lose weight like crazy! Only I could actually GAIN 50 lbs! Damn it I barley recognize myself when I look in the mirror. My joints all hurt, my freaking hands and feet are constantly burning or tingling, my mouth burns and tastes like crap.... OH YEAH, my fucking hair is gone! My only vanity. I had long red hair my whole life, now I’m walking around like a freaking deranged Little Orphan Annie! I know I know, I should be grateful just to be alive... and I am but DAMN it I’m angry about the whole thing... And its late, I’m awake, I’m stressing about going to RPtown tomorrow night where I will see people I haven’t in months, I want to look good and instead I look like a Fat Q-tip. I don’t know why I care but I do