Really bad horrifying language (mine) .. vent

 

Disclaimer: Really bad horrifying language.. vent

 

Its bad.

I’m not losing my mind, really, I’m not, that’s been gone for a long time!  Seriously, I just feel like screaming fuck you at my entire family. Not my kids, as much as they drive me insane, but the rest of them can all go straight to fucking hell. I am so damn angry right now. You fucking people are so goddamn perfect? HA! And FUCK YOU for not listening, FUCK YOU for not believing, And FUCK YOU for thinking you KNOW anything.

I was 5 fucking years old! Thank you all so damn much for opening your eyes, thanks for seeing the pain I was dealing with, THANKS SO MUCH for not realizing that something was wrong, that all of the things that happened were NOT my fault. I never asked for that, I didn’t even fucking know what he was doing! All I knew was that he told me to do it, HE told me I would be the one who got in trouble if I told, and He was so perfect and so wonderful he could never ever do anything wrong could he?  Oh no, that would only be me. I must be lying. Must have made it all up. Thanks for having my back there FAMILY.  I hope nothing like that ever happens to you or yours and you are not believed. I am so much better off without you people in my life, bunch of two faced backstabbing assholes.

I hope you all fuck off.

Back from vacation and NOT happy to be home. Want to be back in the sunshine and pool. I really didnt want to come back!

Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not always the way it is. Sometimes there are things we just have to learn over again

Pink Ribbons STILL Suck Ass

I belong to a cancer site that I frequently post on and get replys or just someone placing a comment on my story. Here is one I got today that annoyed me . ( FYI, my name is NOT carol)

 

Carol, You are strong and one thing for sure you have rolled with the punches so far! As a survivor, I have been going threw the same things and even though I am now cancer free... I have not left this disease behind me. I choose to support and be there for my fellow fighters. really does suck that your job was the way they were towards you. I know, I had a great support team at my job, and worked threw some of my chemo. Its hard but when it is all said and done you have to do what you have to do. Cancer is something that you can beat and we all have to stick together during the good and the bad times. Help one another during the struggle. So please, dont hate Pink Ribbons... we have something beautiful that represents us... we dont have to like the disease but like the PINK support. Thanks for the add! God Bless!- AngelRibbons

 

Here is my reply to AngelRibbons:

Thanks for your reply. Honestly I have no problem with the color pink, I used to actually like it and I love to support fellow CA fighters, however I am against PINKWASHING and unfortunately that seems to be the way of the corporate world today.Thanks to Susan G Komen breast cancer will forever be dehumanized by the infamous "pink ribbon". So as much as I stand up for a cause, unless you are helping people that I can actually see, don’t ask me to contribute to  yet another nameless corporation that has jumped on the “Pink” bandwagon. If SK inc. had been working as hard as they have said over these last years with all of the donations, walks, products, etc CANCER WOULD BE CURED. And they would not be going after the little guys who use the pink ribbons,(using contribution money) they would rejoice in the support!  So for me pink ribbons represent a CEO making hundreds of thousands a year off the backs of breast cancer survivor fighters, and families, while I struggle to pay my mortgage, buy food and LIVE thru this nightmare. I hate the disease and I still think Pink Ribbons SUCK ASS!

Thanks for the blessings, back at ya.

Maybe y’all should read this:

http://butterbeliever.com/i-will-not-be-pinkwashed-why-i-do-not-support-susan-g-komen-for-the-cure/

Ya HAVE to love the BUTTER BELIEVER, the only thing that could top it? BACON BELIEVER!! LOL

Ugh, what a horrible night last night.Canceled my mamogram cuz of the crappy snow, then later SOL and I had a HUGE fight; I ended up crying myself to sleep. It was stupid and mostly my fault as I overreacted to something stupid, I’m miserable and in pain I wish I could somehow explain to him and everyone else how it actually feels to be in this much pain all of the time. My knees are awful, the swelling has mostly gone away but I still I can’t sit comfortably, it is so horrid to get up after I’ve been sitting, I can’t stand, walk up or down the stairs or even lay down without A LOT of pain meds. It seems like every day it’s a new pain and I feel like a hypochondriac, I know SOL thinks I’m turning into my sister…

The band played Thursday and Saturday night and I powered thru but MY GOD it hurt! Ever sense we played 2/16 my knees have been swelled beyond belief. I was hoping that the beer would make it go away and am quite sure that I drank top many, especially since I was taking Vicodin along with it… amazing that my liver is still functioning.

I know that I shouldn’t be so damn reckless I know that there are people in worse shape than I am who would trade for my misery in a minute.. I am ungrateful sometimes for my second chance. I am quite sure it is the cancer drugs that are causing this, I have an appointment with an Orthopedic Doc next month but I beginning to wonder if I can wait any longer.. Maybe I need to see a rheumatologist instead… or just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.. sleep for a thousand years….. I’m such a whiney bitch lately, I don’t even want to be around me. I just need to suck it up.

MOMOGROAN Day.

I have an appointment for a mammogram tomorrow. Worried, scared, not sleeping and I desperately need to. My whole body aches and I feel so despondent. . Sometimes I just want to give up. What is the point anymore?

 I’m so tired of Breast Cancer and pain.

 

 

I keep trying to remember this, but it’s hard. I’m angry and I have these moments of pure rage. How do I learn to put things “away”?

I have been trying to concentrate on my jewelry and my sleepless nights seem to be very productive. Productive and painful! Last night I finished one piece and started another, very happy with the results but today I am paying for it!! My hands are stiff and painful today along with my knees and feet. I’ve taken more Vicodan in the past 2 days than I have in the last month!

I do not know if the physical problems are side effects= I have increased pain in my hands and feet, numbness in my fingers, worsening peripheral neuropathy? Swelling in my knee, which makes them so hard to move and stand up from sitting had to have fluid drained out of my knee and now both are swelled, This has been going on for almost 2 weeks.. … I recently switched to Aromason from Tamoxifin (because of the side effects) so is it the stupid anticancer drugs or is this sudden onset arthritis?? Anyone else having this?? The company does not list this as any “known” side effect but that, as we all know, means nothing. Please help!!