Ugh, what a horrible night last night.Canceled my mamogram cuz of the crappy snow, then later SOL and I had a HUGE fight; I ended up crying myself to sleep. It was stupid and mostly my fault as I overreacted to something stupid, I’m miserable and in pain I wish I could somehow explain to him and everyone else how it actually feels to be in this much pain all of the time. My knees are awful, the swelling has mostly gone away but I still I can’t sit comfortably, it is so horrid to get up after I’ve been sitting, I can’t stand, walk up or down the stairs or even lay down without A LOT of pain meds. It seems like every day it’s a new pain and I feel like a hypochondriac, I know SOL thinks I’m turning into my sister…

The band played Thursday and Saturday night and I powered thru but MY GOD it hurt! Ever sense we played 2/16 my knees have been swelled beyond belief. I was hoping that the beer would make it go away and am quite sure that I drank top many, especially since I was taking Vicodin along with it… amazing that my liver is still functioning.

I know that I shouldn’t be so damn reckless I know that there are people in worse shape than I am who would trade for my misery in a minute.. I am ungrateful sometimes for my second chance. I am quite sure it is the cancer drugs that are causing this, I have an appointment with an Orthopedic Doc next month but I beginning to wonder if I can wait any longer.. Maybe I need to see a rheumatologist instead… or just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.. sleep for a thousand years….. I’m such a whiney bitch lately, I don’t even want to be around me. I just need to suck it up.